No Sleep Til Brooklyn! (or Zombies attack)

Looks pretty simple, right? Not so much in my world.

Let’s talk about sleep. Or rather, let’s talk about insomnia. Yes, I suffer from this. There are myriad reasons. I have chronic body pain that has only worsened as I age (I’m 34, but sometimes feel like 74). I have an extremely overactive imagination, which has a tendency to kick into overdrive when the lights go off and all is quiet. There was also a dark time in my life which very real horrible things happened to me and the boys during the night. So throw all these issues together, and you have the recipe for tossing and turning and melatonin.

Gram Baker has trouble sleeping, also. Now, mind you, she is 97 and has lived through enough lifetimes for all of us. She calls this phenomenon “The Wheels are Turning”- which is the most apt description on the planet. That is the EXACT way my mind feels during these times of restlessness. Let’s take a look at some of the memorable and disturbing things I come up with when The Sandman eludes me.

I have created not 1, but 2 businesses that I would like to manage.

1. A costume shop. Not a professional one, but one for the general public to find Halloween things, Mardi Gras things, things for kids, things for grown-ups and things to accessorize with. I have the layout of the shop perfectly arranged, know what I’m selling, and how to market this. There will be tutus and eye patches and fake jewelry and most importantly- an “adult” section. This will be my main attraction. There is a HUGE (pun intended) market for adult “novelties” and costumes and lingerie. I have done my research on this arena. I am a freak. (STOP READING NOW, MOM AND DAD). I know my products and fashion. I live in a small town, where discretion would be of the utmost importance to the community. I understand this. But I also know of people who are tired of driving 30 miles to buy their Sex Swings, and would spend good money for quality edible underwear. This section in my shop would be in a separate area, of course, so that when Mommy brings little girl child in for a princess tiara, said little girl wouldn’t be gawking at the penis shaped ice cube trays available for bachelorette parties.

For big kids........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For little kids..........

And your local closet sex freaks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. A banquet/reception hall complete with bar and catering. This has been a long standing dream of mine. Our town only has a few places like this for weddings, parties and general get-togethers. I would like to have 3 separate rooms, in different sizes to accommodate any occasion. I have this place named, too. I won’t share it now, though. We’ll wait for the grand opening. I want waiters and waitresses dressed to the theme of the party- whether it is a gay wedding, baby shower or church social. Imagine Lady Gaga, girls in pink ruffles or bartenders in Nun habits. I know this may seem a little over the top, but his town needs some novelty, and I would gladly provide it. I usually do unintentionally, anyway, so why not go for broke?

So, Lady Gaga, a Nun and a baby walk into my bar.........

 

 

 

 

Also, in my nocturnal mind ramblings, I imagine dreadful scenarios involving my family and children. Horrible scenes flash in my head, and I have to plan out what I would do if and when Zombies ever attacked my family. Or if Aliens took control over my boyfriend. How would I know? What’s the best course of action? And then there is the always popular “I’ve wrecked the car and my boys are in the backseat and we have to escape” drama. This usually involves driving off a bridge into water (really, I don’t know why). I hae one of those little crack-hammers in the car, and I have to use the little handy razor blade on the side to cut my seat belt, all the while trying to remember to unlock the electric doors before we hit the water. I have to tell the boys not to panic, as I bust through the window with the crack-hammer, so I can pull a kid under each arm as we swim frantically to the surface. No passerby has seen this tragic occurence, so of course, then we have to walk 5 miles in the freezing cold November weather (this scenario ALWAYS happens in winter) to find help and food and shelter. Now mind you, everything in the town I live in is within walking distance, there is only 1 bridge above water in town on a main highway, and the water isn’t deep enough to bathe in, let alone swallow my vehicle whole. But this is the shit my mind turns into a very real possibility. I have to be prepared if a psycho killer should suddenly break in my home and hold my dog hostage. Laying in bed seems to be the trigger for planning out survival techniques for any situation.

If this guy shows up- no worries. I'm gonna go all ninja on his ass.

I also vividly dream. I remember them frequently. I have since I was a little girl. Brady seems to have inherited this trait also. He can wake up in the morning and ramble on for 20 minutes, telling me what he dreamed. Mine are usually influenced by the radio or TV, or someone I just met. I do that often. Make a new acquaintance, and them dream about them 2 days later. The big ones are music and TV, though. Nick at Nite has been showing marathon episodes of “Friends”, which is my all time favorite show. So last night, as I was wallering all over the bed, trying not to wake BF up, I decided to move to the couch and watch TV, since 3 melatonins had not made me drowsy. I found the “Friends” marathon, and was a happy, happy girl. I eventually dozed off, and of course, found myself in a zany, mad-cap episode of the show. Ross and Rachel and I were trying to decide where we should go eat dinner, but Pheebs kept interrupting us with new song lyrics, so we decided to eat on the sidewalk of Central Perk. Ridiculous, right? But I swear on a stack of bibles/korans/books of david- this is the stupid shit I dream all the time. Reese claims to have heard me singing “If you like pina coladas….” a couple of weeks ago, as it was on the radio, and apparently, subliminally, I wanted to get caught in the rain. I dream that I’m falling, a lot, also. I know Freud and Jung and Dr. Phil would have a field day with all this nonsense- but I really don’t need for anyone to tell me that I’m fucked up. I already know this.

Before I am flooded with nighttime suggestions, rest assured I have tried and failed 95% of them. I have researched and read and spoken to doctors and stressed and worried. Which only perpetuates the cycle. I KNOW. Believe me, I would LOVE TO SLEEP. Sometimes it takes all the energy I have to make it through the day. Sometimes I nap. Sometimes I get migraines from the lack of sleep. I have learned to deal with it as best as I can. But when it’s all said and done, maybe I will make some of these mind-trips really happen. I could save the world from Zombies, and my kids from a car wreck. I could open my own business, or deactivate my BF when he turns into an alien. Or maybe I will just write the shit down for someone to get a chuckle out of. Because when I’m tired, everything is funny.

That is all for now.

If only, Dear Sweet Lord and Baby Jesus, it were this easy.